After Death Guide
Introduction
Hello there, I am the Sea Maiden. This is the Sea Shore. You are safe here. But you cannot stay here forever. It’s my job to help you get to the Light. Ah, no I am not a psychopomp. I stay here, at this shore.
I don’t have a house. This shore is my house.
No, no one else lives here.
Everyday I sit on the sand, watch the waves, pick up whatever it brings me, and listen to an iPod nano I found some time ago. Waves come and go and sometimes brings souls like you who ran away from the Great Ship of Death. It’s my job to help you poor kinds get back to your journey to the Light. I listen to your story, angst and sorrow and guide you to do the Choice of the Universe. I’m not so good with words, so I play a random song. I press on Shuffle and we listen to whatever comes out from that tiny neon blue bar. Despite being totally random, most of the time the song is spot on for the moment. Once you are convinced, I lend you my raft. The raft will take you to the Light and come back to me on its own.
I don’t remember since when and how I lived at this sea shore and had this job. Sometimes I wonder what the land where my raft takes to look like. But I don’t have the urge to venture out. It’s not fear. It’s just a lack of urge.
So now, enough of my story. What’s yours, my love?
1st Night of ?th day at the Shore: 4 Lost Souls
Prince of Wands: 5 & Princess of Wands: 2
Sisters, the elder looks calmer than the younger one. It’s rare that we have siblings die on the same day AND be at my shore together. They must be really close.
Older sister: "We are indeed. We were celebrating her high school graduation. She was eagerly telling what she want to do when she goes to college,,, when the explosion happened. A bomb dropped on the restaurant where we were.”
Younger sister: “It’s so unfair. My life was about to start. I was about to go to the same university as my sister did, Study international politics to make our country better. It’s so unfair. It’s so unfair to our parents. Sister, you saw our parents in the waters too.”
Older sister: “That was when my sister jumped off the Ship and I followed her.”
Waters do that. They sometimes reflect the grief of closest ones in the Other Side.
Older sister: “I am good to move on. If I was to die today, I shall do so. But my sister, she has so much future. She deserves to live more.”
Little sister: “What do you mean? You also had so much ahead. You will be finally graduating next year!”
(Something About Us by Daft Punk) "You don’t know the Light. There is peace. Peace you never experienced on Earth. (She inquires, 'tell me') No It’s a secret. You gotta find out for yourself. And you are lucky because your sister is with you. It might not be the right time but you are with the rightest person.”
After they left, I wondered, who is my rightest person, the person I’d go into the unknown. My swan? How did we find each other? But the sound of waves hug me, ‘shush my dear. Be in peace.’ I am in peace.
The Hermit: 4
“I ran notyourconspiracy.com. People thought I was crazy for seeking and preaching the truth. Nevertheless my words were nothing but truth. But truth doesn’t feed you. My house was a run-down. I went to the toilet, the door got stuck, I was locked in and died there because no one came to look for me. It’s okay. Life.is just like that.
But my curiosity even after death lead me here. I couldn’t help wonder what would happen if I resisted the Universal Law and now I know. There is a girl and a swan helping people, playing music. But I wonder, what is more to this Island?”
I told him to be my guest to walk away from the shore. To which he did, and realised that it’s just a dune that goes forever and ever. He came back to me some days or weeks or months or years later and I helped him move on.
Ace of Cups: 6
“I was born into a big family, very poor but very warm and cheerful. I married the love of my life, had the lovely children and my lovely children had lovely grandchildren. I was blessed with so much love throughout my life.”
"That love you received came all from you ma’am.”
“Why, that’s very nice of you. I just wanted to see my family once more and the ocean did and I guess I leaned forward a bit too much.”
2nd Night of ?th day at the Shore: 5 Lost souls
Prince of Disks: 1
“Have you heard of Crypto? I made that! I made that in disbelief of major banks. I was born into ashes and with my ingenious idea I sat on pile of gold. I cannot die now. I don’t have to struggle to make ends meet since I had all the money til death. It’s just that I didn’t know it’d be so soon. I had a beautiful wife and mistresses, I could eat anything I wanted, and not get unhealthy because I had the best personal trainer and medicine keeping me young and healthy. I was traveling the coast with my yacht until the ocean became unkind.”
(Dreams by Fleedwood Mac) Crap. It’s my favourite song. I’d rather listen to this than talk him out. We sat down together and listened to the song filling the waters glistening with stars.
“Is there life in the Light?”He asked.
“I don’t know. I’ve never been there."
“Can we replay that song? It was my sister’s favourite song too. She is in the Light. She went there too young and now here I am slightly older.”
After countless replays, he stood up and he asked for the raft and left. What changed his mind? It’s just my speculation, but i think it’s the music.
The song 'Dream' makes me lonely and empty. The emotion isn’t simply sad, but more melancholic and bittersweet. Perhaps with wealth that allowed him anything, he felt hollow. Perhaps that’s why he tried filling the abyss with so many glitters and looked away from the hole inside him. Perhaps this was his first time in a long long while, he sat down alone in silence. I think that’s it because 'Dream' makes me do so too. I recognise that, ultimately I am alone and no matter how much I busy myself, I am lonely and I wait for the lost souls because I need them much more than day do.
7th of Wands: 4
"You know, my life was the epitome of the phrase, ‘life is pain.’ I studied and competed hard to get a good job. I worked so hard for my family, to consistently bring breads to the table -which my father failed. But then the company unfairly laid me off just because I was a part of labour’s union. We protested and were faced with brutal suppression. Justice is on the big corp’s side.
I’m glad that everything is over for me. The pain of life is over. But I worry so much for my family. How will they live without me? Now i became life my father, failed them, pushing them into the wheel of poverty.
I jumped off the Ship hoping to go back to them. But I realised that no matter how much I tried, the current brings me here. This is something I cannot try, resist, struggle to defeat. It’s painful to admit that there’s nothing I can do.”
Knight of Swords: 3
“Wow, so after all afterlife does exist. We are not just worms’ food. I spent my life trying to find the truth and here it is, the truth.
I would like to go back to my world and burn my theories of life and death. It’s so embarrassing that I wrote stuff so different from reality. I jumped off the Ship from urge to amend my theories and record the truth.”
(Truer than Ever by Yumi Zouma) “No, what you wrote is the truth close to your reality. And reality is relative, so truth of the reality is relative as well. I think what you want to write is a fact, the fact it’s not a total darkness after you die.
But then again, are you sure this is the fact? This shore’s existence could just be a truth within your and my reality. If you can see beyond our reality, perhaps you will find the ultimate truth, the fact. But like you couldn’t see pass the Other World, you can’t do so in this World either. Truth matters only relatively. So what I want to say is, you already did well at the other side. So don’t worry about correcting your answer sheet.”
He nodded and left. Why are some people so obsessed with the truth? What do they wish to gain? Is it for the peace of mind or hope of not missing out in blindness? Why have I become so indifferent with Truth -why am I here, how did I get here… Difficult souls always leave difficult questions.
Queen of Wands: 3
“I managed and produced the biggest Idol of this time. I loved my job of excavating raw talents, refine them into gems and showcasing them to the World. I was incredibly good and successful at it. People at my company loved me too. Maybe that’s why my boss laid me off, scared that I’d take over the company. It’s so unfair I have to die now. The CEO and those who stood up against me, they are the ones deserving death. Greedy pigs.”
(Bike by Adoy) “I’ll visit them in my dreams and torture them.”
“You can’t do that.”
“No one can tell me what I can and cannot do.”
“No one will. But you just will not be able to do so. You might be able to irritate them couple of times, but they will live on forgetting their nightmares or taking sleeping pills to make the veils thicker so that you cannot penetrate. You will be wasting your time, only your sorrow and vengeance will fill your fiery spirit. Just like many candidates you rejected during your 'excavation and refinement'”
She accepted and left.
Art: 3
“I played the piano. Artfully putting different keys and cords into harmony. I had the biggest concert coming up. But here I am, lost and wanting to play once more.”
(봄날, 벚꽃, 그리고 너 by Epitone Project) “I know this is no where near the piano you used to play, but I do have an old piano that I found some time ago.”
She pressed a key with doubt. As expected, the tuning was off.
“The stars and I haven’t had a real song played for a long long time. We would appreciate anything, literally anything. Even a simple Doremi Song.”
She looked up the sky once, and started to play. The song started off wobbly with uncertainty but soon bloomed into its full self. With the last note, she burst into tears. I hugged her and she left.
I thought I hugged her out of gratitude, but in fact, I wanted to give her aching soul my warmth. But instead her lump of ache passed into my heart. I couldn’t sleep that night.
3rd Night of ?th day at the Shore: 5 Lost souls
8 of cups:5
“I spent my whole life finding the right time to venture out for my dream, traveling the world. And just when I thought I am finally financially and mind-wise ready to go, I am mugged and killed. I couldn’t accept this fact so I jumped off from the ship. But I guess life is just like that.”
10 of sword: 6
“I was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was 17. I always had voices tearing me apart. Truly my own thoughts were my own enemies. By the time I was in my 40, my mind was so barren after many battles of thoughts. And finally, here I find silence.
I always wondered how the ocean was. When I wanted to swim, voices would tell me that I can’t swim or that there is a machine planted by the government waiting to snatch me. So finally when I knew it didn’t matter if I could swim or not, or if there is the machine or not, I took a plunge. And now I know what ocean is like. It’s cool and warm, it’s sweet and salty. I am happy.”
The Hierophant: 2
“I feel like my life was a lie. I remained celibate for my life -but for what? All my life I was playing tug of faith with lingering uncertainty. I was so lonely and I wanted warmth. Not the warmth of faith but warmth of a human. Warmth of a woman.”
(Pool by Paramore) “Father, would you like to go on a date with me for a day?”
We flew a kite made of pine tree leaves and sticks. We swam in the ocean, looking at the corals and colourful fish. We built a bonfire and danced around it. We drank a wine with its label torn away. With hesitation, we kissed and made love.
“Can I stay here? With you?”
“No, you can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because this isn’t the end. The end is the Light or maybe there is more after the Light. And you need to know. Even if you don’t want to just right now, you will. It’s our instinct, scavenging for truth. And then you will leave and i will feel like my time is a lie. Just like you felt yours was.”
He nodded and just before he left he asked,“Who are you? Why can’t you come with me? Why do you stay here?”
“I don’t know who I am yet. I have to know that to go with you. Until then I stay here.”
He left. I cried. Why do I do this to myself? I can just shove them on the raft and ask the wind to push them away. Yet i sympathise. I love every souls that the wave brings and them finally persuaded leaving to the Light makes me happy and sad. I need to who I am to leave.
Moon: 3
“I was depressed. I felt like my life had not purpose and finally i pulled the trigger. I was told to take the Ship to the Light. But I don’t know what the Light is. I always waited for the end of my life, but now that I am facing the unknown, i am scared. I thought it would just be a full stop, not a comma. Can I stay here? Or at the Other Side as a ghost.”
(Every Time Around by Vansire) “I’m afraid you can’t. Because soul without a body dissolves and dissipates. And that’s not a full stop (.) either, it’s like a dotdotdot (...), a dreadful lingering. Isn’t a comma better than dotdotdot (...)?”
3 of cups: 6
“I was lucky to be born into a rich family and was never hungry my whole life. Abundance is what my life was. Early in my life, I knew that there was no way I can use all of my wealth. After I knew I couldn’t have children, I reckoned that if only I tweaked my mind a bit, I could be a father to many more lovely children. I sponsored many who became fine young men and women who made me proud. I am happy to go but I just wished to see those faces one more time.”
4th Night of ?th day at the Shore: 4 Lost souls
Adjustment: 3
“My son was bullied so much so that he ended his own life. Can you believe that such a young kids could be that cruel? The bullies, except for one ring leader, just because they are minors, were pardoned. I tried to bring justice myself. One by one I hunted them down. And I was caught and sentenced to death. It’s unfair. I still have an unfinished business with the ring leader.”
(Blinding Lights by The Weekend) “And if you do kill him, what’s next? Only your wretched soul will remain until the end of the earth. And your son who can be waiting at the Light, will have waited you for nothing.”
“Is my son at the Light?”
“I don’t know. But wouldn’t you want to see for yourself than return to the world full of pain just to complete your vengeance?”
World: 6
“I was the former president of my country. When I was young, I stood up against the dictator and was imprisoned and almost executed for it. If I didn’t hide in another country, I’m sure that tyrant would have gotten rid of me. Finally people stood up against that evil man and brought democracy back to the land. A few years later I was elected as the president. I tried my best to always serve my people. Afterall that is the duty of a president. I am proud to say that I’ve lived to my heart’s content. And with my country matured as a democratic society, I can pass away without worries.”
2 of Disks: 5
“My husband was a diplomat. I knew that I was blessed with experiences and opportunities only handful can have. I knew that I should be grateful for what I had -and my children were- but I never was. I’ve always been an introverted homebody who prefers stability. We had to move every two years and that was pain. We always lived as nomads. Every time I finally got used to the place, we had to pack and leave. Friends I made were soon lost and so I never had proper friends. Change is chaos and I lived in that chaos. Now that I am dead, I am at peace. Serenity is the word.”
5 of Wands : 4
A child around the age of 5.
“Are you the angel?”
“I don’t think so. Where’s your mother?”
“Mommy is not here. I was always sick. I was always burning hot and coughing. Doctors say it’s pnumna, or pnumona, or was it pnumena? Anyways I did go home after two weeks or so. But this time I knew it would not be easy. The last three days I kept on sleeping. I can hear mommy crying my name and I wanted to say it’s okay. But I couldn’t. I was so sleepy. I’m happy that it’s over. It must have been hard for mommy too.”
“Why did you jump off the ship? Was it to see your mommy?”
“Nah, I know I can’t go back. I just wanted to swim. I was never allowed in the water because everything could make me sick. But now that I am not sick anymore I thought why not. It was fun. I wish I could have done that with mommy. I know we will because I will wait for her at the Light and we will swim together there.”
The Devil: 3
“I was the CEO of an insurance company. My company was the highest grossing company in my country. It was no secret that our business was shady with more than 30% claim denial rate. But that’s all for the sustainability of my company. C’mon I’m running a business, not a charity. I was just playing by the rules of capitalism. I was about to have meeting with shareholders and some son of a b* shot me in broad daylight. I’ve just turned 50. Hey, hey where are you going? I’m not done yet!”
Jesus Christ. The Upper Ups made a mistake again. There is now way this guy was granted a place on the Ship. I go up the Lighthouse and turn on the light to call the Upper Ups. Pretty soon, from the sky a hawk appeared.
“Yeah so this guy landed on my shore and from what I’ve heard he clearly didn’t deserve a spot on the Ship. Are you guys sure he’s supposed to be here?”
“Oh crap. Yeah you’re right. Sorry about that. I’ll take him to the Valley right away. Again, so sorry about this.” This hawk was much more gentle than the one came before.
“Naw, I’ve heard you’d been overworking since 10 years ago.”
“Oh my, yes totally. After the two big wars, we downsized a lot expecting less deaths. Then all of a sudden wars are happening everywhere, then a plague and it’s been so fatiguing for us. We desperately need more workforce but I understand you can’t just pop out angels. Anyways thanks for understanding. See you.”
The hawk clawed the man away.
5th Night of ?th day at the Shore: 3 Lost souls
10 of Wands: 6
“I studied medicine. I was the beacon of my poor family. I still remember my father’s tears, the tear of such strong stern man, when I received the letter of acceptance from medical school. When I graduated high school as valedictorian, I thought I could go conquer the world.
But after the first exam, I realised that I was just a big fish in a small pond. The world is big and in it there are many smart kids. Much more smarter than I was. I was nothing. I struggled to keep up. I knew that my parents were getting loans to pay for my studies. When I saw them during the holiday I showed them my best biggest smile. Mum Dad I am well. Don’t worry about me -I’d say. But as my parents’ face got brighter, the shadow cast in my lonely dark dorm room got darker. I studied hard but the words in the text book kept on running away. It was like trying to grasp water. Yesterday was the last day of the finals. But I knew that I had failed. I just couldn’t read any of the questions. The words kept on breaking apart. Alas today I said goodbye.
I am so sorry for my parents. But really deep down, I am relieved that I will no longer compete, check where I stand in a place where I don’t belong.”
10 of Cups: 3
“My whole life was struggle with food. Food was my best friend and my worst enemy. I was on TV as the fattest woman in my country. The show was called
But the problem came after. The fat covering me was gone but my appetite remained. I just couldn’t stop eating. Pizza, ice-cream, fried chicken and chocolates. I started to gain weight. And I got scared. I wasn’t a celebrity by no means. But I was recognisable as ‘that fat girl who had the most dramatic change.’ And I was getting fat. Can you imagine the embarrassment? I felt like I failed not only myself but the whole world. So I decided to cheat. I decided to throw up. Purge. Reverse what had happened. Then today, I chocked on my own vomit. I died on a dirty restroom floor, covered in vomit. What a way to die, right?
Look I don’t want much. I just want to go back to fix my reputation. People will think that I am a failure. I can already imagine some nasty comments online. I want to live to show them that it’s not true and I am not a failure.”
(No One Told Me Why by ALEPH) “No one thinks you are a failure. No one in right mind. Everyone you love is grieving for you and those online are wishing you to rest in peace. You’ve helped people be aware of eating disorder and those with one reach out for help. Your death has become a sad example but a meaningful one that shed light on the gravity of the matter. Please, don’t worry about how you look to others and take care and embrace yourself for who you are -now that you have become bodiless.”
2 of Wands: 3
It’s rare that we have an animal in the shore. They are usually quite okay with moving along with the Law of the Universe.
“I was born in the streets. Mum was hit by a car soon. We were rescued soon enough. All of my brothers and sisters were soon adopted except for me because I guess I just didn’t get along well with people. Many adopted me and soon returned me because I wasn’t friendly. Then a young woman came. I hid inside cupboards and underneath the bed for few days. I didn’t care, she could return me to the shelter. I liked that place anyways. But she didn’t everyday she came home with new toys and snacks hoping to lure me out. Finally I came out to the world and that’s how she and I became best friends.
We did everything together. We woke up together. We had breakfast together. She’d play with me while studying. When she left home, she turned on videos of birds flying so that I’d be entertained while she was gone. When she came back from work I brushed my face against her legs and smelled for traces of any other animal. Before sleep, I’d cuddle into her arms while she read books. Just an ideal day of a cat and a human.
When she went to abroad to study, she took me with her. I saw the world from above. It was stressful but it was worth it because life there was a whole new thing. In a gigantic mansion where she stayed, I ran around and was loved by her roommates -though I never loved them back hehe. After a year we came back home.
But soon tragedy happened. She had to go down to a countryside to visit her sick grand mother and asked her boyfriend to look after me. I never really liked him. He played games all day, never played with me, never cleaned my toilet. I cried for her every summer night. He would complain that I cried too much. Over the phone I heard her apologise several times. The night just before her arrival, I was excited so I cried of joy. But her boyfriend couldn’t stand me and so put me in a cage and in the car and left me there. I cried as loud as I can but no one could hear me. Soon the sun rose, the car was heated -hotter than the oven. I couldn’t breathe. Atlas I heard her crying from faraway. But that was the end. I spare you with the details of what happened next.
This was six years ago from now. I have lingered at the Other Side for six years because she couldn’t let me go. She held pain in her heart and my cremated body in her arms. I’ve been telling her; how many stray cats could have lived the life I lived, so deeply loved? But it didn’t penetrate through her thick sorrow -until today, when she finally let go of my ash. I will still wait for her but I will do so at the Light.”
6th Night of ?th day at the Shore: 1 Lost soul
Lust: 1
A curvy girl with red hair. Naked. She doesn’t look embarrassed or bewildered or surprised.
“Hello there. How did you end up here?”
“I don’t know. I don’t remember who I am and how I got here. I just woke up at the shore.The only thing I know… is that I am no longer alive… but how… how did I die?”
Strange. I feel like similar thing had happened to me some many years ago. I think I asked the same questions at…
“Hey I know you. I saw you on TV. The real-life Snow White. According to the documentary presenting you, some years ago you ODed on some drugs and ever since you were comatose. And your family refuses to cut the lines and has been waiting for a miracle to happen for more than 10 years. It’s wild to see you here. And it’s wild that that is the only thing I can remember… Hey are you okay?”
It felt as if something had struck my head. I remembered who I was. I was in a band, I played the keyboard and wrote music with our lead singer. Our debut album was quite a hit but that was it. Our subsequent albums failed. We were becoming that dreaded one hit wonder.
One night the lead singer guy popped out some powder, one i’ve never seen before. I got excited. One of our biggest hit from the first album was inspired by a particularly strange acid trip. ‘This is our ticket to exit this rut.” Dink we inhaled and off we went to Death. Or close to death I guess.
“I just remembered who I am and how I got here.”
“Ok… so I guess you’re welcome?”
“Oh, sorry. Yes, thank you. Really, thank you…”
“So what now?”
“I think it’s now your turn to wait for someone to come and tell you about you… This will be your home. The ocean will feed you and take care of you. Sometimes people or even animals will land on the shore. They are lost souls who refused to move on with death. You have to persuade them to get back to their journey down the current… until someone like you comes to you to tell you who you are.”
She shivered from fear of responsibilities or from damp coldness, I dried her with a ragged cloth and took off my dress and put it on her. And just then the white dress turned flaming red.
“Are you sure you’d be okay without any clothes?” I realised her voice has changed too.
“Yes. I have a strong feeling that I won’t need them anymore. Are you sure you can and want to do this?” Mine did too.
“What choice do I have? Haha. At least i’m not dead dead or burning in hell I guess haha. In anyways I don’t mind listening to morbid stories. But what about you? What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. Perhaps I will take a plunge into the ocean and see where it takes me to. Thank you though. I hope you find yourself as well and until then I hope you stay happy.”
She hugged me hard. So hard that my heart pounded as if it was racing. My inside became hot as if it was a coal burning. And then I saw light, so bright that was going to blind me. And I started to break down into particles of light.
“Good bye.” She smiled.
epilogue
It has already been a week since I woke up from coma. It feels like waking up from a deep slumber. Maybe it really was one. Though doctors say that it is unlikely to have dreams in comatose state, I have brief memories of them. But like all dreams, the memory faded so fast. The memory of my dream was ran over by the awe and excitement surrounding my miracle, like a sandcastle crushed by rushing waves. Now, the only thing I remember vaguely is a seashore and a flame which I don't understand why it's there.
I am to be discharged today so that I can start rehabilitation. I've been lying down for so many years my muscles have atrophied. I get on the wheelchair and as I leave for the lift, I see a bed come in. Probably a new patient who is to stay on my bed with families hoping for a miracle like mine.
"A customer beat her up so much so that she lost conscious. She was such an independent and courageous girl, against our will but always along her own. We just wish the same miracle that happened to you to happen to our daughter." sobbed the frayed old woman next to the stretcher.
I take a glimpse at the patient. And there she was, a girl with flaming red hair, bruised all over her face, comatose. My heart started to pound. I think I know her. I think she is the flame, the flame from my dreams. I kiss her on the forehead. And hold the old woman's hand.
"She is alright. She will be alright."
Review
I played "After Death Guide" by Ellie Valkyrie during my flight to Sweden. It was a enjoyable way to spend 20+ hours in the plane.
The hardest part was coming up with the solutions to the lost souls. I am not a good advisor. I'm not even a good listener which is why I ditched psychiatry first when I had to choose my specialty. And so I used songs as inspirations to guide these lost souls. Sometimes I knew what song I wanted for a soul, but most of the time I just shuffled to see what I get and tried to shape it into guidance.